I guess, by now, you already have a glance of our course objective; as to where our discussion is going to be. If this has been a book, this could have been a different chapter. However, since this is just philosophical itinerary or just a simple letter, a letter to friend to be specific, then I have all the freedom to shift from one literary style to another. For instance, I am not going to follow a certain flow of how to present my philosophical ideas. I can use poetry, short story or essay since this is just an informal course outside the university. Now on this letter, I am not going to bombard you with all the philosophical vocabularies, theories and technicalities since this is quite a controversial subject. I’m not going to present my ideas in argumentative way or typical philosophical way either. Instead, I’m going to use a short story. Strange as it might seems, but this is best way to present my ideas without being bias, and so as not to invite contradictions. This short story is a story of a man who had gone through all the endeavors in life in search of happiness; only to find out that he had everything that he needs, right in front of him, to make him the happiest man beyond his dream.
“I have a big plan for you."
I can still remember this statement as if I was hearing it yesterday when, in fact, it was said to me twelve years ago. February 13, 2007 one o’clock in the afternoon, I was having a literature class in the University when my mobile phone vibrated from my table. I was interrupted and terrified since I never give out my phone number to anyone except my benefactor, the brothers and the sisters in the monastery. I was thinking then that the call must be urgent or an emergency call since my brothers had given me my music schedule already – I was a choirmaster of the monastery at that time and it’s not time for practice yet. So, I gave a signal to my class that I was going out from the classroom to take the call. One student who seemed to understand that I was so bothered by the call so he waved his hand to give me back a signal to step out. I, then, rushed to open the big door and got out from the classroom.
I was walking in the hallway, half running, looking for a place to take the call without disturbing any other classes. I was shaking and my heart was pounding of the thought about the call. And with a trembling hand, I answered the call and was shocked to hear the voice on the other line. The voice was quite familiar as if he was speaking right in front of me. The voice said:
“Nick? It’s me. Father Philip. Where are you now?”
I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I was speaking with the person whom I have not seen for four years. Needless to say, I missed him. He was my spiritual director and he was the only one who knew about me and he was the one whom I had made a vow to work with my discernment stage in searching for my vocation. I was still thinking of what would I respond to him as I was obviously startled, when he continued saying with full of energy and enthusiasm, just like giving me an order:
“Come to the priory, I will wait for you.”
Words just came out from my mouth without an effort this time. “But I have a class until 8:45 in the evening!” He went into silence for a moment and with less energy, just like he was whispering, this time, he asked. “When can we have some time?” I knew he was hurt at the time since he used to give me an order like an absolute monarch and I used to instantly obey without question as I had consecrated myself to God and made a vow of chastity, poverty and obedience. He was my spiritual father or spiritual director so I was bound to obey his order.
However, I have made contact and being exposed to the community and my vows had been contaminated. I talked things just like how people talked. So, you can imagine how my ways of communication at that time hurt someone who acted like an ideal father to me, a father that I never had. I felt totally embarrassed of how I responded him. So, I said,
“I’m sorry father. I’ll be there tomorrow at 3:00 afternoon.”
I can’t remember anymore how we ended the call. On the following day, right after my grammar lecture in Nursing class, I went straight to the monastery to see my spiritual director. And I just got through the half-closed gate when I heard this familiar voice again.
“Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick!”
He repeatedly saying my name with a huge smile and with his arms opened wide suggesting a huge hug. I can’t say a word; I was so happy to see him and my tears started falling so as his, as he took out his glasses and wiped his tears with his finger. I greeted him with a huge hug and he said, “I have a big plan for you! Jesus has big plan for you! I have come all the way from France just to end your discernment period and start your true calling."
I have waited for eight years for him to tell me my vocation. Before he left for France, I was really hoping that he would tell me this but I was so disappointed since he didn’t mention about my calling but passed his duty to the next superior who replaced him. Now, he finally announced it. I was supposed to be happy since the wait was over, but something just came out. I can really tell that it was the time for me to embrace my calling which I thought that I was going to be priest or a monk to live the life in solitary and follow Jesus. But something changed. I had a change of heart. I’m not interested to pursue the kind of life that I had always wanted. So, I looked at him feeling guilty since I was going to break his heart again. But to my surprised, he asked me a very strange questions,
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No!”
I replied with full of energy and almost angry with his question.
“What is your heart telling you?”
Then he yawned. This time, seems like I had the answer of his question and I understood that it was not the spiritual director that I was having a conversation but someone else. It looked like he was not in himself so I knew that it was my time to make a choice that would change my life forever. I finally replied to his question.
“My heart tells me that something big that is waiting for me. A huge responsibility that I still need to figure out. But it should be there somewhere in the community outside this monastery.”
I mumbled and I was still trying to compose the reason of my decision but he interrupted me and said.
“Alright, my work is done. You have finally found out the purpose of your existence.”
If I had been honest, I’d really want him to tell me that I had made a wrong decision and I’d really want him to tell me that I was really called for priesthood but he was totally with my idea and have respected my poor decision.
I went back to the city and continue my life as a college professor and have run across the mother of my kids who gave me five children. We don’t really get long due to our differences in principles and upbringing so we part ways but we still continue supporting our kids in our own way. I been through a lot of struggle and all the facet of life has been a failure. I always thought, that I suffered the consequences of a poor decision that I had made twelve years ago. I thought of a karma since I broke someone’s heart who have done nothing but to be a good father to me. I remember the prodigal son of the bible and I want to go back to my father. But he is not around anymore. He is now in the other corner of the world praying and helping people like me. I tried to speak to anyone whom I thought to be wise enough to understand my predicaments; I always ended up more prostrated. So, I decided to keep all my failures and prostration in silence. I stopped sharing or hoping for someone to understand me. It’s my trial or challenge; I don’t want anyone to be involved so I have to face it alone.
Just recently, someone asked me about my goal in life. I replied “I don’t really have a goal in life. I live my life day by day.” I know she was caught off guard as she was just asking the question out her work routine. But to give credit of her effort, I tried to console her by giving her a gesture that I was really okay. But deep within, at that very moment, I was having a total war inside – the longest and the most painful revolution is the revolution from the heart. I went home with heavy heart as usual.
Life has been so monotonous since I have left in the monastery. I was losing my will to fight and I was losing hope to hope. I tried every possible way to challenge myself and see things in a different way, but nothing was changed. Just this summer, still with all the struggle, and in fact, it was worst, I had to make another decision and to my surprise, my eldest daughter who is ten years old now. She stayed with me at home and she asked me questions in her inquisitive but innocent mind. First time that she made a huge choice in her life and she chose me. While being alone with her, I have noticed that she inquired things and analyzed them exactly the way I analyze them. It was then, that I have come to realize that there are people who are willing to listen to me and that every word that I have said, they took them seriously. People who don’t understand me but they tried by asking question. I have been a father for eleven years and all I do to my kids was to spoil them, gave them things that they want, sent them to school and fed them. Unknowingly, I missed the smile that they have offered and the time that we laughed together since I was so into my messy life. So, I took a vacation and spent time with my kids. This time, I gave everything and gave all my attention to my children. I stopped being a father to them and started to be their friend instead. I started talking like them; started playing with them and observe. To my amazement, I was able to see the reality behind all the encounters. They do things just like me. And they even ask my advise on how to do it. while helping them, I just realise that I'm actually seeing myself from them. First, their looks, second, their moves and third, the way they see things. I was talking, playing and eating with a little souls who’s actually an extension of myself.
Going back to my letter about love of friendship where my experience centered on someone who is a human being, just like me, who can be the source of my joy and I can be the source her joy. But my friend is a person other than me. This experience that I have with my kids is even greater because I am not only having an encounter with other person; this person is actually an extension of myself – another me. And there is more, I have five extensions of myself. You can see now how unique my calling is. I am called to oversee these little souls who are so helpless without me. Their survival depends on me. They are my responsibilities. Meaning I have finally figured it out. They are the reason why I had to get out from the monastery. With them I can be anyone. With them I can be a superhero, the strongest, the wisest, and the best father they'll ever have. Their lives are totally dependent on me. On the other hand, without them, I am nothing. Life is useless and aimless without them. That means we complement to one another. I am task to lead a little congregation whose subordinates are copies of myself and they are being assigned to me as the source my joy and happiness. Thanks to philosophy that I am able to see this reality while I still have all the chance to cherish this gift. And I have all the chance to enjoy this moment. “Children are gift and a source of joy.” I heard this from one of my customers. I totally agree and not only that, they are a gift given to me and they are being created out of me. I wish I can tell this story to my spiritual director and I wish that I will still have the chance to thank him by respecting my poor choice twelve years ago. I hope that he will also find joy for being an ideal father to me and a good leader to our community.