"To my friend who is one of the character of this story. I wrote this piece so I wont forget you. If you are reading this, you know I only mention the most important conversations that we had. I also changed the settings as to protect you. But you have the whole part of the story. It is all written in your heart."
I was always fascinated by the way she talked, reasoned and the way she handled our little team. She had such a strong personality and mastery of language that no one would dare to question her whenever she gave her comments after our performance, sometimes gave us a credits but most of the time, a critique. During our meeting, the whole team would be silent, couldn’t move and couldn’t say a word until she was done talking. They were just like children reprimanded by their mother. I found this so amusing and entertaining even if I was one of the culprit. For me, every time she reprimanded us, I took it as consolation as I could sensed the deep stream meaning of her lecture. She was so perfect and self-sufficient and I couldn’t denied that I had been drawn to her. She was full of surprises too. For instance, she told me:
“I was a farmer back home.”
“But you have such a beautiful skin? I asked.
I also came from a family of farmers and I started working in a farm since I was a little boy together with grandma. My idea of a farmer was someone who has a burned and dried skin due to a long period of being exposed to the sun. Another instance, while we were chatting under the shades of the garden overlooking the city, I saw a plane that was about to take off from the airport hundreds of kilometres away from us but still visible to us due to our overlooking location. She noticed that I was not anymore attentive to her. My mind was on that plane that was about to take off:
“I, also, can fly an airplane.” She said.
“You mean… you are a pilot?”
Another blunt question with a tone of surprise and disbelief.
Then one day, I went to the kiosk for our practice, about quarter of an hour before our schedule. I was thinking of going to the place early since I had to finish my arrangement of our song that we were going to practice. I thought I’d be alone but before I could get to the kiosk, I saw her fixing her motorbike engine with grease on her white face and her hands.
“You are also a mechanic? I asked.
She smiled at me and continued unscrewing the mechanism and said:
“I used to fix a tractor, and our pickup truck.” She sounded unbelievable to me, but I chose to believe her.
Sometimes, I caught myself staring at her and smiling without realizing that she’s been staring back at me. One time, after her talk to the group, which she always did after our presentation. She said:
“Stay, I need to talk to you.”
I was not surprised since it was not the first time she want me stay right after our practice. But that time she shut the door and looked if there was someone else around before she closed it.
“Why are you staring at me the whole time when I was talking to the group?”
I was so embarrassed that she finally said something about it. I always looked at her since I was so drawn to her and I couldn’t help it.
“You… you have a very beautiful eyes.”
I stuttered because I didn’t know what to say and I just said anything that came out from my out mouth. She turned on the electric fan and pulled up the wooden chair tucked in the table. We were alone in a very quiet place, so quiet that I can hear the sound of mine and her heart beating. She sat down on the chair without saying a words while looking at the abyss. I remained standing feeling guilty because I lied to her and she seemed able to figure it out herself. I wanted to tell her the truth that I lied because I was out of words but she posed another question – a very strange question with such sweetness that I forgot how weird her question was. She asked:
“I am a religious. I have nothing to offer. All I have is a broken heart. It’s been shattered due to the pain of the past. But… would you… or can I be your friend?”
I was choked and could not believe what I had just heard. I looked at her closely with a smile as I tried to examine if she was joking or was it one of her ways to let the truth came out as to why I had been staring at her every time. She never gave me any suggestion that she was joking, in fact, she was looking at me, still, waiting for my respond. I thought, at that time, that if she was not joking, then, God must me smiling at me. God must be teasing me. Nevertheless, I continued with my query but at that time, I started using words and I asked:
“How would you like me to be your friend? What would I do?
I was so full of myself and was so proud that the woman that I always looked at was begging for friendship. I was so arrogant and ignorant of what was going to happen, then she replied:
“You don’t need to do anything else but continue what you are doing. All I want… all I need, she corrected herself, is someone who welcome me just like the way you do and make me feel that I’m being listen to.”
I was so flattered and was so happy to learn that I was not making her uncomfortable when I looked at her. But on the contrary, it made her felt secured.
“Oh I can do that!”
I finally professed. I was thinking that it was the first time that she had asked me something that I really love to do. The most reasonable order or request.
“We need to make it official. Let’s go to the chapel.”
I wasn’t able to grasp what she meant exactly. I thought that making a tie through words would be enough for a friendship that I thought it was so simple. She opened the door and nodded at me making a sign to let me out first from the room. I was so confused and still couldn’t find any clue of what she was really trying to do. She closed the door and walked like a butterfly with wings towards the chapel. I could really tell that she was quite happy as she walked as if she was floating in the air with a weightless body. I followed her to the chapel but when I was inside, I couldn’t find her. I made a sign of the cross as I genuflected in front of the altar. I looked around to check if she was there; no sign of someone, so I prostrated myself to the ground. After couple of minutes, I heard footsteps from the sacristy and then clicks from the electric fan’s switch followed by the sound of its impeller that resounded the whole chapel. I wasn’t bothered by the noise, in fact, I buried myself and tried to pray.
“Stand up and lets do our vows.” She whispered to my ear.
I opened my eyes wide. I was shocked and, that time, even more confused.
“Please repeat after me.” She continued as she unfolded the paper that she was holding.
I asked to myself:
“She went straight to the sacristy to write a note for our friendship vow? No wonder why I couldn’t find her inside the chapel when I got in.” I answered my own question.
I had repeated all the words that she had read from her little notes when I noticed that I was saying such a familiar words. She copied the rites of religious vow and modified it so it could be said to spiritual friendship rites. It was, then, my first moment of regret that I had accepted the offer. I finally understood what she was trying to do. What I just did – or what we just did – was hurling ourselves into a scalding water. We just made a conflicting vows. I was so mad at myself that I let her did it; that I was so ignorant and arrogant and that I was not able to decipher what she was planning to do. I want to get mad at her but I couldn’t. I already made a vow to put God as the centre of our friendship.
My world turned into 360 degrees after the incident. The woman that I was always love to stare and the source of my fantasies now became the woman who was the source of my anxieties. I was so anxious of the day that she will be called and be assigned to another country. I was wounded every time I looked at her wearing her clothes with an insignia of the people who consecrated their lives to God. Everytime I looked at her, I always felt like a dagger was pierced into my heart. Her appearance alone always reminded me that she chose God over anyone or anything. I was just an instrument to fill something that was missing in her life. I was only tasked to assist her with her mission. There was no way for us to be together for a lifetime. What we had was just a temporary and anytime she will be taken away from me and our friendship will just be a part of our life’s story.
She didn’t say a words much, except for the group. I stopped looking at her during our meeting; she also stopped asking me to stay but we go straight to the chapel and pray. It was the only activity that was left for us. The only time we stay together and gazing together on the same direction. I felt so useless and restless. I had such a precious gift that I couldn’t do anything. I always had a temptation to give up but I always ended up choosing her instead. So I had to put it on my daily routine to renew my vows for her every day without expecting anything. We continued with our prayer activity and I had learned that only in praying together that I discovered more of her. I discovered that she was not as strong and self-sufficient woman as I thought she was. Instead, she was the most fragile person who pretended to be strong in order to survive on a place that was thousands of miles away from her home. Someone who missed her family. At that time, on that place, I was the only one closest to family to her. I had also discovered that that woman whom I had considered the strongest and hardest stone even for a diamond was as helpless as any one of us. She was not a diamond but a flower. A flower which sprouted in the middle of the forest, so fragile but so beautiful. Her beauty could be the source of admiration and could change the background of the place in a seconds
I had so much joy to finally have someone who totally understood who I really was and we understood each other. No more words to say, our hearts speak as loud as our mouth. Words are not enough to describe what we felt and what we've been through. Words are the source of misunderstanding according to Antoine de Saint Exupery. We had no plans for the future since there was nothing for us in the future; everything around us, including us were just temporary. With the absence of the words, silence grew in us and since there was no more noise, we had finally reached the highest peak of our contemplation. We were so contented despite of all our limitation that even if we were in ecstasy not everyone or almost no one understood or have noticed our source of happiness due to complications of our vows. We had discovered happiness in the midst of complexities. God was there in the midst of all our complexities.